the best I've ever had

One of the things that inevitably has had an effect on who I am is the diabetes I was diagnosed with aged 11.

Upon being told I headbutted the bathroom door hoping I'd die. Through school though I found it really easy to cope with. Nowadays, though, it's become something I've had to wrestle with. Like trying to hold a fishing boat on a steady course within a storm.

Emotionally it didn't affect me too much at school as it never really got in the way very much. More recently though it has got in the way and I've felt the illness becoming more of a weight to bear.

the dreams in which I'm dying
I remember one of the most memorable emotional moments from when I was much younger (maybe 7 or so), was after watching a tv show and one episode had the main character (a boy no older than 10 - I think) in hospital.

It made me really want to be in hospital. Several years later, during secondary school, I had another moment like that when I woke from a dream in which I was in hospital with cancer.

I'm not quite sure why but I love the idea of being in a state whereby I'm ready to die. As a result I really like the line in Tears for Fears' Mad World which goes

"the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had"

It doesn't escape me that life itself is essentially a state whereby you're dying. Therefore, I should really enjoy being alive if I apply a bit of linear logic. Living like you only have a short period of life left is generally looked upon with high regard.

back to the diabetes
The diabetes gives me different glimpses of dying both short term and long term. Chances are that if I live long enough the illness will start to degenerate me earlier than if I didn't have it. This bothers me but I'm comforted to some extent by the fact that I have no wish to live to old age anyway.

In the short term I've had the chance to be closer to death than most people. I've passed out numerous times with low blood sugar and have been taken to hospital with high blood sugar (a condition called ketoacidosis).

I've often really enjoyed being low on sugar. It's done some funny things to my thinking. The one time I was really high on sugar has inspired day dreams too.